Last Wishes

First let me make it very clear that I plan on living a very long and happy life. In fact, I may just live long enough to be twinkled. However, I don't want to leave anything to chance, so I thought I'd let you all in on what I want to happen here on earth after I leave it. I've been to too many funerals in my life. I don't like them much, especially when they get hijacked by people who ignore the dead person's wishes, and I really hate viewings, so when I die I don't want anybody coming to "view" me. It just seems weird to have people looking at someone's body and commenting on how nice they look. Hello, they don't look nice; they're dead!

And I'd really rather there not be a funeral for me either. I want everybody who liked me to get together and have a barbecue. I'm planning on partying on the other side, so I think everybody here should get to join in the fun. Then you can all talk about how great I am without having to be so solemn about it. Be outside, play some U2, eat some steak, and talk about my favorite places in the world and how much I loved being with my family. That'll be great. In my only nod to traditionalism, I would like a short graveside service. Then anybody who wants to be solemn can be. My only request is that someone plays "Danny Boy" and "Amazing Grace" on the uilleann pipes.

Oh, and one more thing. I'm resigned to having to be buried in a dress, but if anybody puts nylons on my poor dead feet, I'm going to come back and haunt them.

By the way, just so we're clear, I did go to a funeral last weekend, which is why this subject has been on my mind. I'm not morbid or anything.